Monday, March 24, 2014

Modern Day Transformers Really Do Suck

How the hell do you transform Metroplex?
In the early 80's I was all about Star Wars. I had the Vader case filled with action figures from all 3 movies. I would play Star Wars with my big sister and it pretty much encompassed my entire being. It all changed one day when I came home from school one day and saw a TV show with robots transforming into cars, jets, cassette players, and hand guns. The Transformers immediately grabbed my attention along with the amazing commercials for the actual transforming toys.  I remember the first time I saw an actual Transformer at Toys R Us. I entered the store and naturally bolted towards the boy's toys aisle near the back of the store. There was the small display for The Transformers!! My mom bought me the first toy I grabbed into my little 4th grader hands and then Star Wars toys became history.

That first Transformer that I ever owned was called Bluestreak and he was the best thing I'd ever seen. He was a blueish/silverish Datsun made of mostly die-cast metal, some plastic, and rubber tires. I was hooked and needed more! My friends and I collected Transformers for the next 3 years or so. The NES ultimately replaced The Transformers in my life but I still have Bluestreak along with the rest of my Transformers collection. It's not a huge collection but there are probably around 50 different Transformers that I've been carrying around with me through life.

Smokescreen vs Smokescreen
Fast forward to present day and look at The Transformers section at the toy store. Do you like what you see? Hell no you don't like what you see. Modern day Transformers are poorly constructed and look like shit. Not all of them do but most of the figures released to retail in the last 10 years are an abomination. There have been re-issues and and masterpiece collections which do a nice job of celebrating G1 but that's not what kids see at Walmart anymore.

G1 Smokescreen Wins
Today I went to a little yard sale at an Elementary school down the street from my house and found a box full of modern day Transformers. The first Transformer I pulled out was Cybertron Primus. This is actually a pretty awesome toy made of mostly plastic with some die-cast.  The next was a Metroplex figure from the mid 2000's. He's a nice looking figure made of sturdy plastic. Next I found a Red Alert figure from the mid 2000's which is also nice looking and made of sturdy plastic. These were the good figures in the box and all shared the common trait that they were made before 2005. Next I found an overly cartoonish looking Starscream that's made of flimsy plastic, a Snarl from 2005 which looks and feels like complete crap,  a Bludgeon tank from the Transformers movie, and a bulky Smokescreen from the movie.

Post 2005 Transformers
Pre 2005 Transformers
What do all 7 of these figures have in common? They all require some accessory in order for them to function or look right. Naturally I didn't find any of the accessories because that's always how it is. Cybertron Primus is missing a special key to unlock pieces for clean transformation, Red Alert is missing a major piece to make it actually look like a fire truck, Metroplex is missing a major piece for it's transformation, Snarl is missing his tail, Bludgeon has a piece broken off, and Starscream is missing his missiles.  Why do all modern age Transformers either break really easily or require accessories in order for them to look right in one of their transformation forms? Because they are crap, that's why! Cybertron Primus would be awesome if it had all of his pieces and so would Metroplex and Red Alert. The others would all suck even with their accessories. So why did I buy them all for $10? Because I like Transformers and can maybe buy a nice Transformer with the profits from these. :)

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